so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
