apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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