When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
