I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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