My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
