it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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