i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
