guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
