i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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