Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
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