dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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