i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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