I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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