I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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