people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
