my mouth tastes like poor choices
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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