Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
