You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
