I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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