At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
