She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
