I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
