Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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