If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
