i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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