can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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