She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
