I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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