Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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