Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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