omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
