I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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