How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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