i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
