I want to make a zoo with you.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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