I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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