remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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