I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
this will be a night to untag.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
