happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
