i permit you to call me
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
my liver is dry heaving
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
