Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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