This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
