umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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