dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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