I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
