No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I love you. Go after that dick
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
