I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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