Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
