Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
