This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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