just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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