Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
