dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize