Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
