Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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