I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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