i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
