can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
