We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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