I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
